Not watching porn is part of my persona.
I could front like I’m porn free, and behind closed doors furiously masturbate to another scene off of xvideos.
Tell myself “it’s not porn, it’s only a woman fingering herself”.
No one would know.
But I would.
I’d look at myself in the mirror, and see deadness in my eyes reflecting back.
I’d feel the compulsion to shave, as over the last few years I’ve internalized this belief :
“Men can grow beards, boys can’t. Men don’t watch porn, boys might. So if I’m going to choose the actions of a boy not a Man, I’m going to make myself look like a boy”.
Maybe a solo scene wouldn’t do that, “it’s not self cucking, you’re not watching someone else fuck a woman”, or maybe it would.
I’m not testing that.
Half measures are for pansies, the effeminate, and the weak.
I’d know.
So would God.
When I’ve watched porn, past roughly the age of 22, I never liked what I saw in the mirror.
So I don’t do that!
You’ve gotta be able to look yourself in the mirror.
Porn boiled down is a practice of self harm.
I knew better before ever turning it on. At 16 I was allowing half measures, at 19 or 20 that slipped to xvideos.
I thought at 25 I’d be done with it, but I still watched some after that birthday.
At 26, I haven’t watched in just over 8 months.
I’d been struggling lately, I say it’s due to a sense of loneliness.
Why lonely?
Because of not choosing the outgoing actions.
I imagine a whole lot of porn was watched during the lockdown.
And I didn’t watch a second.
I’m proud of that.
When the urge is worst, and I have my phone in hand, I’ll google the keywords, look at the search results, and after a moment close the browser.
“I’m not watching porn today.”
Once I’ve said that, I’m accountable til 0000 the next day.
I can’t go back on my word to myself.
Being porn free for life I’ll say that to myself every single day if I have to.
I’m not going back on that.
I’d know.
God would know.
It’s healthy to be outgoing socially.
It’s not healthy to be alone and inside looking at a screen in the dark.
No one with the sex life they desire watches porn.
If that means you have to work, so be it.
Work, to improve your lot, is a blessing.
You can be thankful for your struggle.
You don’t ever have to watch porn again.
Porn free, happy, outgoing…by choice.
-J
Persistence & Tenacity