Category: Mindset

Not watching porn is part of my persona.

I could front like I’m porn free, and behind closed doors furiously masturbate to another scene off of xvideos.

Tell myself “it’s not porn, it’s only a woman fingering herself”.

No one would know.

But I would.

I’d look at myself in the mirror, and see deadness in my eyes reflecting back.

I’d feel the compulsion to shave, as over the last few years I’ve internalized this belief :

“Men can grow beards, boys can’t. Men don’t watch porn, boys might. So if I’m going to choose the actions of a boy not a Man, I’m going to make myself look like a boy”.

Maybe a solo scene wouldn’t do that, “it’s not self cucking, you’re not watching someone else fuck a woman”, or maybe it would.

I’m not testing that.

Half measures are for pansies, the effeminate, and the weak.

I’d know.
So would God.

When I’ve watched porn, past roughly the age of 22, I never liked what I saw in the mirror.

So I don’t do that!

You’ve gotta be able to look yourself in the mirror.

Porn boiled down is a practice of self harm.

I knew better before ever turning it on. At 16 I was allowing half measures, at 19 or 20 that slipped to xvideos.

I thought at 25 I’d be done with it, but I still watched some after that birthday.

At 26, I haven’t watched in just over 8 months.

I’d been struggling lately, I say it’s due to a sense of loneliness.

Why lonely?
Because of not choosing the outgoing actions.

I imagine a whole lot of porn was watched during the lockdown.

And I didn’t watch a second.
I’m proud of that.

When the urge is worst, and I have my phone in hand, I’ll google the keywords, look at the search results, and after a moment close the browser.

“I’m not watching porn today.”

Once I’ve said that, I’m accountable til 0000 the next day.

I can’t go back on my word to myself.

Being porn free for life I’ll say that to myself every single day if I have to.

I’m not going back on that.

I’d know.
God would know.

It’s healthy to be outgoing socially.

It’s not healthy to be alone and inside looking at a screen in the dark.

No one with the sex life they desire watches porn.

If that means you have to work, so be it.

Work, to improve your lot, is a blessing.

You can be thankful for your struggle.

You don’t ever have to watch porn again.

Porn free, happy, outgoing…by choice.

-J

Persistence & Tenacity

It’s been about two weeks since I’ve jerked off last.

As I lay in bed the other night it clicked.

If you’re not jerking off, “nofap” as it were, the idea of actually watching porn is something laughable.

“Why would I watch porn?” you ask yourself as you guffaw, as the possibility of doing so just isn’t there.

They’re both vices.

You don’t need either.

And who watches porn without touching their dick?

Exactly.

If you’re not going to be jerking off, you’re not gonna watch porn.

Nofap leads to no porn.

Don’t waste your seed, and even if you’re thinking of the scenes you used to watch, there’s gonna be no draw.

Controlling yourself from wasting your seed makes staying away from porn an afterthought.

Just. Natural.

As it was before you ever started.

-J

In late June or very early July of 2012 I restarted daily pushups, something I had stopped for around six months of senior year, having done it daily from the summer before freshman year up til that point.

I was out in Cali spending the summer, 13 weeks, mostly at my friend’s house, with brief visits to my grandma’s place and my uncle’s place.

Getting out of high school, and back in Cali again I was on top of the world briefly. This was after having spent since basically the end of junior year wrestling season dead inside.

My friend, he was severely depressed, on prescription antidepressants since middle school.

I thought my presence would make a positive change to him, but what ended up happening was after a few weeks my 18yo ass was weak and fell in lockstep with the negative mood in the air there.

Depression in a guy only need be defined as male weakness.

He and his sister both were on that 4am-11am sleep schedule. But he being depressed and in that negative feedback loop sometimes would be sleeping far longer.

I remember one time his mom had come back from work, and freaked to hear he hadn’t yet stirred.

It was damn near 7pm, she thought that he’d suicided that night/day.

He’d played computer games til 6am, then crashed for 12 hours.
Low energy.

The mood in the air of that house was bad. His parents were separated and divorcing, his dad out of the house (actually dieing, desperate to see his kids before he was gone, my friends sister refusing to do so).

Initially I was amped to be in Cali.
As I said, in weakness I slipped into depression too, why? By choosing weakness and to exist running garbage days.

Off the plane I’d had little other than apple juice from the flight attendant in the preceding 24 hours.

Having forced myself to stay up over 40 hours to not be on a fucked schedule, I awoke at around 430am having went to bed at 130am.

I was amped, why wouldn’t I be?

The night before, breakfast was dinner of in n out with a strawberry shake, I was out of school, in Cali, and pumped to see my best friend.

As I said, I got down there too.

Garbage days, staying inside on an xbox 360 and netflix, living on frozen half soy meatballs from costco and tortilla chips, the only sunlight being the walk we took through the hilly suburbs around 8 at night, our schedule midday.

That summer I almost didn’t touch the beach! My uncle heard that, wouldn’t have it, and his family and I all went on my last full day in state,I have a couple of funny memories off of that.

It’s also funny to recall bringing an elitefts band with me that I consistently used for curls.

It was on one of those walks, and I still remember the spot, the parked car, the bush next to us, we two lost boys, just 18 year old kids, where I said this :

“Dude, you’re depressed, and feeling hopeless, and so am I because we’re not having meaning to our lives, not having purpose, we’re not having victories, wins in our day to day. ”

“It doesn’t matter how small, but we need purpose. A small victory, a small win is just that, giving ourselves purpose. Consistently do that, create purpose, and the victories, the wins, they’ll grow.”

“Before high school started I read this challenge to do pushups or situps, just a basic calisthenic every day as a discipline challenge. How long can you go without a miss? I started that day, and only missed 3, 4, 5 nights over 3½ years, before I stopped part way into last school year.”

“I should’ve kept it up, never stopped, I suggest you start doing pushups every night before bed, or morning when you wake up, you get the point, every day you get that small victory, so you have that purpose, even if small, you have something.”

He started that night, on day 11 I did them with him, having so as to not be a hypocrite, and seeing the purpose of applying it to self been running the challenge quietly alongside him since day 1. Day 11 I revealed that.

Since that restart in June/July 2012 I’ve missed a day, one, singular.
May 13, 2016.

Next Sunday is 1500 days no misses.

I’ve stated honestly to others that I’d rather die than miss my pushups.

I’m probably going to be doing them til the day I can’t physically do so, as I’m under the ground.

Regardless I can taste 5 years without a miss, am committed to seeing that next May, and from there will reevaluate if I’m going to 10 years unbroken or if I’ve made by point.

Why do I do pushups everyday?
Why PT?

It’s a victory every single day that no one can take from me.

My friend? I haven’t seen him since late summer 2012, and haven’t had contact with him since December 2014 or January 2015.

I pray that he’s out there in Cali still doing those daily pushups, keeping that streak of wins alive. Not having surrendered to the world.

Giving himself purpose and strength.

You PT daily so as to get a victory every day, so as to never admit defeat, to never be broken by, and surrender to the world.

PT every day is a purpose.

Persistence & Tenacity

1. Believe in God.
2. Turn off the television.

Awhile back a coworker talked about his back hurting. I told him that he’s only having that back pain due to his lower back being weak.

Somewhere between 3 and 10 days later he told me seemingly out of the blue “dude, you were right”, and told me how he’d been thinking about what I had said related to strength overriding pain and the possibility of such.

Here’s a few things :

A lot of people are hypochondriac, and/or whatever you would call the equivalent speaking of pain, injury, hurt.

Due to what is the ridiculous rationale of victim culture people desire things to be wrong with them instead of right.

And whether something is legit or not :

•If you don’t think about it often it ceases to exist.
•You could be doing prehab/rehab to fix it whether it’s real or imagined.

Paranoia self dest troy ya – I can here it being sing songed, and it’s true.

Likely it’s more a worry in your head than anything in actual reality.

The worry often causes more negative issue than whatever you’re worrying about.

You can see that.

If you don’t focus on it, it doesn’t matter. I figure if I was to ever get injured it’d only be found out in my autopsy.

I’ve heard an old west actor that did his own stunts upon examination was found to have spent decades doing it all with a broken neck.
He didn’t care. A Man!

Dudes have successfully kickboxed with a broken arm. Handling his shit!

If your back hurts because because because because because…and you’re fat, change that, and it’s likely, 99%+ that the back pain goes away.

Physical weakness allows for a myriad of physical pains to crop up. You want nagging pains? Be weak, you’ll feel the gamut of pains.

Know this ; a lot of physical pain, often most, if not nearly all, is preventable, and IS prevented by the smart and diligent.

The barbaric response of always suggesting “okay then, get stronger” may sound harsh, but it’s actionable, and bears positive results.

If obesity causes a legit pain, stop being obese.

If physical weakness is the cause, get strong.

If it’s paranoia or hypochondria in your head, think better.

When you have the choice between belief in either human capability or human limitation ; choose human capability. You’re better for it.

Note : since 4th grade when my buddy, the only hindu in our school, asked me how I wanted to die as we walked inside from recess, to which I stated via riddled with gun shots, and most recently my answer being stabbed 78 times (taking one attacker with me, crippling one and the third escaping relatively sound of body – if I went all out in the answer) my answer has for about a decade and a half always been an extraordinarily violent one as to how I’d like to go out.

I’ve noted more happiness thinking along lines easily labeled barbaric.

Getting out of my head, and using a conanesque shrug of the shoulders, and with it when required an under the breath muttering of sorcery to explain things is quite simple.

Pain? Fix it.

A lot, most, often neary all is under your control, see the belief in human capability.

A buddy has told me the longer my beard the higher frequency that conan the barbarian like statements come out of my mouth.

“Cause you’re such a pleasure to be around.”

“Yeah, I am.”

So much is tied to our mindframe, our inner workings.

Why choose to be riddled with pain? You can be happy, strong, and healthy.

Focus on your frame. The rest naturally follows.

Persistence & Tenacity

As a Man you don’t discuss hollywood trivia or sports stats.
It’s conduct unbecoming. You don’t care an iota over such things.

Spectators discuss that shit, if you really need to, you may as well just go full cuckold since spectation is what you like to do.

I have a strong distaste to males discussing such things, it has long been above my disgust threshold, pinged my disgust radar.

Nor do I like females puking out info of the same note.

The products of hollywood only matter to those with a nothing life, no purpose, nothing.

Both sexes have better to do.

You’re content to discuss people you don’t know, will never meet, and that honestly shouldn’t even enter your mind?

That’s a problem whether male or female. Everyone is capable of better things.

Kids eventually grow out of shit like that, and frankly you as an “adult” shouldn’t have surrendered their youth like that when you should know better.

Some kids mature to adults, some stay immature in the suspended animation of spectation.

That turn likely happens between teenage and mid 20s. Though regardless, if you haven’t, the time is now!

The males obsessing over “their” team, watching porn while no longer a teenager, caring about marvel movie #3872…it’s stunted growth.

The female parallel is needing drama, not manufactured fake drama irrelevant to life, but the natural drama that comes with raising one’s own flesh and blood, then eventually more of the same with grandkids.

I thought puberty and maturation into manhood rid one of such things (spectation). That not happening is the stunting of the maturation.

I see so many resigned to and caring about the television.
Me? I’d rather do stuff.

Dodging the television makes your mind your own.

The haze disapates, you start to think, you start to see.

The world opens up facing your own thoughts, breathing the fresh air, the truth is seen.

It doesn’t matter how long I’ve been porn free. What matters is that I am. And now? Now watching porn strikes me as an inconceivable action of self harm.

How many times had I said I was done? From softcore as a 16/17 year old kid, to the first time on xvideos at 20, to saying I’d kill myself if I watched again at 21 or 22, to the last time I watched it at 25. How many times? It doesn’t matter.

What matters is that a vice, and yes porn is a vice no matter what you rationalize, what matters is that a vice is gone. KAPUT!

I knew from the gate, from the gate! That porn was a bad choice. Maybe at 16/17 I couldn’t spell out the why, and yet I instinctively knew.

Regardless of a study, or the fact that by looking down you see that you’re hard, or what someone in the medical establishment says about masturbation being good to prevent some form of cancer, you know, you know by turning on xvideos or pornhub that you’re succumbing to weakness.

There is all sorts of bad shit going on when a male, and by watching porn you’re admitting to being a weak male, not a strong man, turns on a flashing screen of projected copulating bodies.

I don’t even support watching lesbian or solo videos of a chick. I look at a coworker looking at nudes and bikini shots on Instagram and think “what the fuck, why are you bothering thirsting over chicks you’ll never meet”.

Despite my youth I’ve matured a lot. Disregarding the negatives of porn, thirsty is conduct unbecoming of a man, and the real world is where you live.

I refuse to use Tinder, or any other app/online, to get a girl. I’ve felt for years that if I can’t get the girl through honest masculinity in real life, that I don’t deserve to have that girl. It’s a contrast, I have high standards, yet am brutal on myself in real life.

Real life is where you live, work, play, and online is a dehumanizing aspect of swipe right, messaging, attempts at jollies.

Porn, this is all interrelated.

Our society has fucked up views on sex. I came up christian. I doubt my upbringing, any rebellion against it, and societies (let’s be honest) sin will ever triangulate into a common area.

Viewing porn is doing you no favors.

I have a couple disgust reflexes from early on, to where my gut knew : “never watch porn”.

• Church – Age 12- Everyone is admitting their vices, and the slimiest looking, 50 something, pale, pedophile looking weakling admitted to quote unquote “porn addiction”
• Algebra – Age 14 – This little annoying runt, and this kid, chubby, lazy, and soft who looked like the kid on two and a half men (and i always instinctively disliked) were joking about the latter’s hours a day porn habit.
• Gas Station – Age 18 – In SoCal I’m at a gas station near my grandma’s house to buy milk. In line in front of me were two slimy pale fuckers talking with the cashier about how they’re filming porn in the area. One was the cameraman, one a notable male in the industry. I thought to myself “jesus christ, they look like the sickly chronic masturbator stereotype of who watches their shit. They even sound pussy whipped.”

In all three instances I felt nothing but disgust.

When you think about it honestly and observe you see some things :

• I started to see porn images when I was not watching and wanting to jerk off/edge.
• There is a noticeable cuckold grooming effect. When you think about it, porn is watching another fuck someone you’d like to fuck. I’ve had too many young men “joke” about the prospect of me fucking their girl, guys that readily “joke” about how much porn they watch, to think anything different.
• Some scenes are pure evil. Period.
• Your vice is not even participating in a vice, your vice viewing porn is spectation of another’s vice (casual sex).
• Honest appraisal often shows the girl to be broken, damaged beyond repair, someone you wouldn’t go near, nor touch with another’s dick, nor touch with a thirty nine and a half foot pole if you came across them in your day to day.
• There’s some tom foolery going on with camera angles. They want you to find yourself inadaquete.
• You get depressively thirsty.
• I noticed I’d get pghlemy after watching.
• When you’re honest with yourself you notice you feel like a bum having viewed.
• Porn lowers your wavelength, your vibe, never lower your vibe. A high energy vibe is natural, it’s how you walk through the world properly, as intended by God.
• It’s not real life. There are girls in the real world. You, as a man, must put yourself out there. Watching flashing pixels on a screen isn’t living in reality.
• Watching porn correlates to feelings of a no future, hopeless, depression.

To quit you’ve gotta make it a descision, not a want to, not even a need, but a statement with clout “I’m done watching porn.”

Porn dampens your ability to be masculine, it hampers your masculine identity, and self improvement. Stopping allows you to grow without the poisonous vines creaping up with you and alongside you.

The more masculine you become, the less and less, you’ll be tempted by porn. Will the siren still call? Yeah, but you’ll look the tempter in the eyes, laugh at your inner weakling wanting to cave to it’s pretty little lies, and laugh knowing that YOU ARE STRONGER THAN THAT!

It’s inconceivable to me to ever watch porn again.

I’m a Man. Men don’t watch porn.

I’m confident enough to put this online stating that “I’m never watching porn again”. Self accountability, and public accountability too.

Here’s some stuff that helps me :

Weakness is bringing dishonor to your ancestors. I know Grandpa can see me, his spirit looking down at me, and thinking when I choose weakness “Gosh darn it J! You know better, you’re better than this.”

Everything you do…God knows.

Watching porn is weakness, and weakness is the most vile choice a Man can make. Men aren’t weak, males are. Weakness is a problem.

I grow a solid red beard. I prefer having a beard. In 2018 and 2019 if I watched porn I punished myself by shaving, and then again at least 24 hours after I turned off porn. I’m never shaving for porn again.

You’ve gotta be confident, and outgoing. You’re never gonna watch porn if you’ve recently taken a shot with an attractive female.  Chickening out from talking to that cute girl? That’s when you may go hide in your room screen flashing fake fucking in the the dark. Have confidence. Be outgoing. There is a girl out there, where you will be mutually attracted, making porn completely irrelevant.

On the flipside as a Man there are times where you’re gonna have to be comfortable being alone.

Brother, I pray you rid yourself of that vile shit. I’m rooting for you. Root for yourself, and draw your line in the sand.

Make it happen. Best would’ve been not to start, the next best is start now, for life, porn free.

-J

Persistence & Tenacity

 

Why train?

I train to rise above the mediocre.
While not ideal I hear the sounds of the television, canned laughter, and cackling from the “living room” as I prepare mentally for another night’s pushups.

Often mentally a slog, hence nightly not morning pushups, it’s ritual I’ll likely always do. It’s been over 10 of almost 25 years thus far. I don’t know that I could make myself stop.

I once received an anonymous letter saying to me “why go to the gym, when you have nothing going for you, why care about the body”
What the likely sedentary individual sending me possible hate mail didn’t get was the question answers itself.

I went to the gym then, and I continue to train, PT, now as always, as it’s a variable I can ALWAYS control.

The homeless bodybuilding post I wrote near the site’s beginning while somewhat over the top, crude even, holds a point deeply ingrained in my psyche that I was trying to convey : You can always train.

While the bastards try to beat you down with compounding minutiae day after day…you can always train.

In the most confined and/or poorest of circumstances you will have your bodyweight at a minimum…always.

Strapped to a bed in a looney bin or super max prison you can flex, and do your isometrics against the restraints.

You can always train.

They can’t take that from you.
EVER.

You can be forced to move away from a solid gym, you can get priced out, even kicked out of gyms.
You can be the only one around that cares to maintain physical condition… but in the end the drive to train is on you, ample tools are always there. You can still train.

I train so as to have something. I train so as to have something to teach to progeny, and to those who have need. I train as a matter of pride. I train…

Motivation will wax and wane. Equipment and the access to it will come and go. You may find yourself doing pushups on concrete and eating ramen for dinner.

There’s so much more to it than how you look, the social aspect of a gym, or the feeling like a beast that comes with steaks and heavy weights.

It’s far deeper than just getting in habitual calisthenics. So much more.

You have control, and you decide.
To what end they ask…

I leave you this ; why train?

Persistence & Tenacity

Clear your mind for a moment, then think about this…

The metrics, your sets and reps don’t matter.

I want you to forget them, to learn how to not count them off…like you used to…as a child.

Effort is all.

I want you to focus on the feel. Simply focus of the feel of the thing.

No logging, not on paper, not in the mind while in it, whilst doing the thing.

Just Go

Really, just go.

Forget all stats and learn to feel.

Go deeper.

Connect with yourself, with the thing. Blend. Be.

Be in it.

The effort. The quality.
The right feel. That is all.

Did I do enough? You’ll know.
Let the mind dictate.

Through space, blank space I have thought myself strong.

Persistence & Tenacity