This morning –
I fucked up. I DID.
I wrote this down multiple different ways throughout the day, tried to write gym stuff, did, and still had nothing I felt postable.
This was weighing on my mind, and here is my slice of soapbox and accountability, a blog I don’t know I can ever quit.
It’s been around 15 months of daily posting.
Find something.
Read. Audio.
I used to listen to what music called to me, then flow write after in effect having warmed up by audio.
I haven’t done that consistently since probably 2017 here.
Trying to spark the writing muse, normally I just write. I tried music first.
Wes Watson audio did it.
After four months I listened to about an hour of Wes Watson, I briefly cried at one point.
It still surprises me to hear him and I as one voice.
Take three, and honesty :
This morning –
I fucked up. I DID.
100th day, about eight hours shy of 100 days, I jerked off.
I had said I’m done doing so FOR LIFE!
Then I did so.
Then I did so again upon waking.
99 days 16 hours? 7 hours after that?
That’s not for life!
Doing so? That’s weakness, my weakness.
WAS my weakness.
I chose to do something I said I wouldn’t do.
I CHOSE TO!
I chose to go against my word.
No. Can’t do that shit.
That was me slipping on my own standards.
Can’t continue, won’t continue doing that shit!
I’m going to be honest, I’ve been in emotional pain lately.
It’s not an excuse.
There is no excuse.
There is no such thing as a valid excuse!
I fucked up. I chose to fuck up.
I chose to!
I chose to fuck up! That amount of emotional pain got me? What the fuck! I’m better than that!
I didn’t watch porn, but who cares.
I chose to masturbate, which is somewhere on that same path.
It’s a negative, one that I chose.
As time goes on you, by improving, naturally you raise your standards.
It’s no longer only no porn!
It’s evolved to no porn and no jerking off!
I treated it like when I “half a caved” to looking at booty instagram around six months back, and trimmed my porn free beard.
I had never mentally agreed to require doing this, the discipline shave, like I had of myself back when I used to cave to porn, but I did so anyway.
The beard was getting wild and unkept, and this is more presentable.
(In pure narcissism I now get to enjoy walking around with my muscular neck visible.)
Shaving half the beard off? Here, today? An action in self betterment.
Because that’s what life is for!
I’ve always hated when one writes “we are all human” about their fuckups, I hate to admit being human, I hate that I fucked up, and honesty – gotta tell the truth, and it’s that I fucked up this morning!
Transcend!
2/8/21 – I did so again. I view masturbation as a vice, just like I did porn before I rid myself of that. I don’t like going back on what I decide, I’m better than that. Start over.