Alternatively titled Pop-Tarts : For Post Workout Survival
(From the archives : written February 2019 about the SoCal experience of Fall 2018, published because I joined that gym a year ago.)
While going to the SoCal bodybuilding gym I often was running on empty. High stress levels, and to be honest my body was not enjoying the high temperatures of Californian year long summer fall when it expects New England in the 40s given the time of year.
I was on empty, and psychologically this either has me training the bare minimum, basically just going as begrudged habit, or the psycho switch flips and I train like a madman.
I trained like a madman there.
Psychologically it was only natural.
No warmups into 10 sets of presses, 10 sets of bent rows, some assistance, and tire flips in the sun was the norm.
I’d be haucking lugies into the trash to keep from puking by the first set of bent rows.
Tire flips in the sun were masochistic. I’d get into the high reps on the days the sun smiled upon my pale Irish self, but some days I’d be leaned over the railing haucking some more lugies, or better yet looking to the sky questioning why I’d pushed the point of wanting to die as I repeatedly dry heaved (a plus to running on empty).
You’ve never “gymed” unless you’ve had the thought “can I drive myself home without dying” seriously cross your mind.
So in self preservation you’d sit there, as shaded as possible, and maybe petting a dog tied up outside the place, for 15, 20, 30 minutes being looked at strangely as you sit there by bodybuilders and fitness chicks sipping nasty aas warm whey as they leave by the gaggle
before you decide the highway ≠ certain death, and proceed to freak out the desk staff by entering and exiting 5x to refill water bottles and drive home…
But wait!
As you’re in SoCal you do what is only rational…you don’t go straight home, but straight to the beach instead as :
Per Regulations :
Section G Subsection 8 :
“You are not truly living in California if you have not at least had beach sand inbetween your toes each and every day, and better still to have been fully submerged in the Pacific. Beach walks are mandated, though it does not truly count as a trip to the beach unless your entire body has been submerged in Pacific waters. Shoes belong in your car, maybe your hands, though not likely as who carries shoes, but most certainly not on your feet. Shirt is required to be in car as men walk shirtless so as to get more testosterone producing Vitamin D. If you’re wearing a shirt there’s a problem. The water is not cold. Go under! – Thus Spake Rationality”
I walked most days, and went in as per regulation the majority of that.
I never took my shirt or shoes down to the beach…regulations.
Now thus far Pop Tarts have not been mentioned, allow me to remedy this.
When you’ve likely had no more than a thin cheese sandwich and maybe a random cookie, trained like a maniac, been tormented by the sun as you flip the tire of everyone else’s nightmares, are required to go to the beach (shirt & shoes stay in car remember) to possibly feel dehydration and sunburn…
It makes sense to have an energy source that can stay with you at all times…
Hark! An amendment to the regulations!
(…Enter Pop Tarts…)
Per Regulations :
Section V Subsection 39 :
“Pop Tarts are to be eaten as an energy source of cheap cost, dubious nutritional value, and utmost seriousness towards survival of J. Tryeth to use good flavors, but wasteth not the nasty ones as both are still of dubious nutritional value, and are of the utmost seriousness towards the survival of J as he goes abouteth his day. Eateth a pack in the gym parking lot while you drinketh 1 or 2 or 3 or 4 or more 16.9oz refilled water bottles if death by highway commute to beach seems imminent. If death by highway commute to beach is unlikely through fault of your own, as it’s fact that everyone there cannot drive which is outside of thy power to control, but death by heatstroke, or drowning seems likely drinketh thy last refilled 16.9oz of gym water fountain goodness encased in much worn plastic as ye eateth thy pack of Pop Tarts at beach parking. Understandeth ye? Pop Tarts : Good good sugar & Good cahbs.”
Having shoveled snow at 330am in New England it seemed fitting to reminisce about the weights, sun, & sand, of California.
Persistence & Tenacity
P.S. This article is serious in tone, I am not kidding about the necessity of poptarts to survival.