In my teens I used to watch a lot of the prison documentaries, lockup raw, etc.
One thing that struck me as being truly cruel was some inmates who had been in solitary for so long, but who’s yard time if they had it was still indoors under florescent light.
Now I can play devil’s advocate here, and say that which does not kill you makes you stronger, but I’ll stand by zero freedom to feel the sun on your skin is a cruel thing.
Vitamin D, sunlight is how we tan, I remember one inmate, a hispanic man, saying how when his solitary status changed he came out looking like a vampire, just pale, I think he even said his black hair had lightened some to a shade of brown. Scary stuff. Crazy he still seemed healthy, which I think falls back to that devil’s advocate thing.
I’d been feeling pretty low. While I hadn’t watched porn I had chosen to look at the instagram account of someone I don’t know, and while I didn’t jerk off, I felt bad having for the second or third time in roughly the last two weeks done this. It’s not fully cheating on no porn in my eyes, but I don’t like it when I do this as I’m the guy who looks at other guys doing this thinking “jesus christ dude, stop thirsting”. I almost required myself to go clean shaven for having done this cheating-lite again. I ended up trimming my beard, after swearing to myself to do better, to not even do the lite version.
Now I’d been feeling low.
Why?
Not socializing enough. Not maximising the sunshine that comes with the season.
Just talking about cheating-lite makes me feel unwell, here I am telling you so you can learn from my mistakes.
I woke up at about midday. I trimmed the beard. (“Half shave for half a cave.”) I then went for about an hour long shirtless bike ride.
Probably 45 minutes in, cruising, man I felt alive! I’m on top of the world with a leg pump, mildly panting, and cruising at top speed.
You need activity, and sunshine.
I wasn’t getting enough of that.
I’d be lying if I said I didn’t enjoy the staring I got riding around either, as I had noticed a couple attractive women looking.
On the phone the other night I verbalised why I’d first watched porn :
“I was feeling so alone in the world, no friends, no family, no girl that I typed in xvideos thinking I’d pretend to have that.” and despite it not being seen speaking with my hands I did the wanking motion.
I’ve noticed somethings about me :
If I’m busy I don’t jerk off.
If I talk to attractive females I don’t watch porn.
The higher activity I am, the better I sleep, when asleep you don’t watch porn or view lite stand ins.
There was a medieval concept of witching hour, between 3am and 4am, often times when I’d caved to porn I’d be watching in that timeframe.
The more mature I get the less and less acceptable I find masturbation and lite versions of porn.
(If I was to cave to video it would have been to a homemade clip of an athletic german blonde in her late 20s fingering herself. I know the exact keywords almost 8 months later. My mind was spinning off and on for two, three weeks trying to rationalize watching this as being ok, though remember my views on porn-lite, I find less and less and less acceptable as I mature. It’s not okay!)
So all negativity aside, I trimmed my beard and got some good sunshine and activity riding my bike shirtless.
I know how to not do what I shouldn’t, I fill my time up with what I need to do.
The bike ride was productive in other ways too. I was looking at leasing/for sale signs.
Really, I have a blessed life.
I’m thankful for my conscience being so finely tuned, I know clearly what I don’t stand for. Though I feel pain deeply, I feel!
There is no doubt in my mind as to the existence of the soul.